Someone's Daughter - why it matters who she is related to a world of sexual objectification and rape culture
Not too long ago, there was an explosive trend - the #MeToo movement, where women finally had a chance to express the disrespectful way in which they had been treated. Sure, there were false or exaggerated accusations thrown into the mix, but I think you’d have to be a fool to deny the pile of evidence. There is an undeniable reality that women are victim to a messed up worldview that is reducing their value to how they can perform between sheets.
In articles, blogs, and social media posts, sexual-assaulting behaviour is exposed and condemned with real life examples. More likely than not someone will comment something along the lines of, “I can’t believe someone who do that to her! Don’t they realize that she is someone’s daughter?! That she is someone’s sister!”
Then, guess what?
A tsunami wave of responses will pour in condemning THAT comment:
“She doesn’t just have value because she has relationship with someone. She has value as her own entity.”
“She doesn’t belong to anyone. That’s the whole point!
Now, the absolute truth is that even if any female mentioned in the article was miraculously (and impossibly) related to no one at all, there would be still be absolutely no justification for any crime against her. But, I’d love to take a few moments to identify why it is in our best interest, long-term, for us all to begin to see and acknowledge women again in the context of relationships.
The sex industry will always attempt to condition men to think of a woman outside of the context of relationship.
I am absolutely convinced that there is not a little girl on earth who grew up in a healthy environment who dreams of becoming a sex worker. And likewise, I am convinced that there is not a little boy on earth (who grew up in a healthy environment) who dreams of growing up to abuse women.
Instead, I believe that every little boy ultimately dreams of being a heroic protector that uses his strength to defend those he loves and to put an end to “the bad guy”. You better believe that females are on the list of “those he loves”. Again, in a healthy environment, a boy gets a chance to interact and enjoy spending time with sisters, cousins, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, and female friends. He sees that they are multi-dimensional individuals with unique features, personalities, and skills. He learns that they have feelings and deserve respect.
In ideal circumstances, boys get a chance to experience first-hand the value of having depth of relationships with females of all ages. And with that depth of relationship comes a natural desire to PROTECT. If ever a neighborhood bully messed with his sister or if ever someone talked badly about his mama, a boy naturally longs to put an end to it.
The sex industry (porn, prostitution, etc) knows that in order to make money off of men, they need to dehumanize women. The focus needs to be moved away from her face, her skills, her dreams or her personality and onto her body, her moves, and her sexuality. The sex industry must make a man forget that this woman was once a little girl too, just like the one he used to play with on the swings at recess in kindergarten.
The sex industry must make him think that she came out of nowhere and that she actually enjoys being used sexually.
Research shows that once a brain begins to think of women in porn or in the “industry” this way, it becomes increasingly impossible to stop this from spreading to all other interactions as well.
Once a woman has been removed from relational context, she is more easily dehumanized. Abuse and violence are now a short step away.
A man must begin to see women in light of relationship again in order to draw upon the natural protector within himself. And that will mean protecting her from any of his own self-centred sexual desires.
2. Cultural trend is leading women to believe that anything less than absolute relational independence is weakness.
Simultaneously, as men are being deceived to believe that women are one-dimensional in nature, women are being told time and time again that they must achieve relational independence. Unfortunately, too often this independence leads to an isolation from the relationships in her life that are actually there to help shield her from predators with malicious intent.
The extreme feminist viewpoint will do its best to have each woman “make her own way” or “prove herself”, but she must be wary. All throughout history, anyone who isolates themselves (man or woman) rages against wisdom and sets themselves up for despair.
Let me assure you, I am a huge fan of women (and proud of being one, myself!) I see them as brave, genius-level innovators. There are also countless examples of women (presently and throughout history) who live as philanthropists, healing various sectors of the world. Women can lead and strategize with great intelligence, intuition, and compassion.
Women are also made for relational connection, and we do not have to forfeit relational loyalty and that deep sense of belonging and commitment in order to achieve “girl power”. In fact, I believe that we will see a surge in the release of female global impact if we will cultivate for her the relational environment that she thrives in.
It is not weakness for a woman to belong to a family and be identified as a daughter, mother, or sister. Belonging to a family is meant to provide a place of protection. Based experiential evidence and the study I’ve dne in developmental psychology, it will actually benefit her greatly to have a place to come back to, a safe place to launch out from, and a supportive network to gain strength and counsel from.
3. Predators have eyes trained to take advantage of isolated women.
From young men in high school or college dorms who are just looking for an easy target, to the traffickers who are systemically hunting for the next young woman to enslave - they all know that if a female is isolated, she is an easier target.
They know that she will feel relationally lonely and will be more susceptible to deception.
They know that she will likely feel more desperate to be told that she is valuable, beautiful, or sexy.
They know that she won’t have depth of connection or trust at home in order to talk things through with someone who can be an outside voice of counsel.
They know that she will more readily perform sexual acts in order to keep whatever illusion of relationship exists.
I recently read, “The True Story of Canadian Human Trafficking” by Paul Boge. It is a cleverly woven story based on true accounts that follows the life of a young trafficked victim, a john who ends up living a double-life, and a politician working to bring justice.
One scene records a conversation between a reporter and a trafficked victim who had escaped. He asked her:
“If there was one thing that would have made a difference - if there was one thing that would have prevented you from getting involved in being trafficked - what would it be?”
She responded so fast that it seemed to him she had long since concluded how all of this got started.
“If only my father would have paid more attention to me…Something happens when a daddy takes lots of time for his little girl It’s like there this protective net that gets build around her. Enables her to feel real love. Enables her to spot creeps. But when Daddy’s not around, or if there’s sexual abuse, it’s like that covering disappears and we’re open prey. Every girl I’ve talked to - every single rescued victim, to a one - they all say the same thing. If only their dads would have taken more time with them. I’m not saying dads are always to blame. It’s just what the girls I’ve talked to tell me.”
Sex-trafficked victims are facing brutality in our nation and beyond. Women are reduced to skin and tricks. We need to have eyes to see that trafficking is simply the inevitable end of a conveyor belt that attempts to dehumanize females and take them out of a relational context for the sake of someone’s distorted sex drive.
So, next time you see a woman flaunting her body walking past you or posing for the cover of a magazine with pornographic intent, or as a star in a steamy scene, I dare you to pause and remember - this woman is more than a body. Don’t allow yourself to lust after her. And don’t you dare begin to judge her.
She is someone’s daughter.
She was once a little girl.
And she never would have dreamed of being exposed this way.
Within the church at large, the messages about sex are often reduced to a prohibition, “Sex outside of marriage is bad.” But said often enough or carelessly enough, and that message starts to sound like, “Sex is bad.” Add to that the negative personal experiences that people are having, and it is no wonder that the lie “God is anti-sex” gets propagated.