- A message to the married men -

I love sex! Yup… I said it… it had to be said! I can tell you that as a happily married man, sex is an amazing, beautiful gift in my marriage. However, I need to make this very clear: sex is not marriage.

There are so many other dynamics that need to be in place in order for there to be wholeness in a marriage. Most of these dynamics can be summed up in one word: intimacy.

Quite often we use the word “intimacy” interchangeably with “sexual experience”. In actuality they are quite different. Intimacy is a body, soul and spirit oneness that, from a biblical point of view, can only be experienced within a committed, exclusive and safe marriage between one man and one women.

It is possible to have sex without intimacy.

Why do I make this distinction? Well, there is often an expectation that all sexual needs and desires will be completely met once you are married to “the one”. Sorry to break it to you, bro, but, it’s just not true. You might be thinking, “Bryan! Wait a second! You just said you love sex and it’s a beautiful gift in your marriage. Now you’re making it sound like its a million miles away from marriage! What’s the deal?” First of all, no need to yell. Second, I stand by my opening statement 100%. I just need to give you some context.

The Bible contains an ancient letter that Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus, to people who were just like we are here, now. In it, he talks about marriage, “Husbands, love your wives [seek the highest good for her and surround her with a caring, unselfish love], just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” Ephesians 5:23 (Amplified Bible)

Paul is making a very clear point that we, as husbands, will have to deny ourselves in order to serve our wives. This will apply to many aspects of the relationship. Guaranteed, it will affect the sexual dimension as most men and women have different sex drives, because of the presence and absence of testosterone levels.

Paul makes the comparison of what men should do for their wives as what Jesus was willing to do, giving Himself up, dying a death on the cross, showing His never-failing love for the church. Am I saying that you need to nail yourself to a cross in order to be a good husband? No! A definite NO! However, you will need to face and embrace suffering.

Let me give you a hypothetical example. Let’s say my wife, Bonnie, gets a phone call right in the middle of our romantic night out for dinner, and finds out that a close friend has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. (Extreme I know but, these types of things do happen.) How do you think she is going to feel? Do you think she’ll be able to compartmentalize it all and be ready for some “quality time” when we get back home?

The answer is…likely not. Chances are that she is going to be feeling a wide range of emotions: she will feel sadness and fear all the while trying to think of a way she can be present for her friend. It’s not that she doesn’t find me attractive or enjoy sex with me. It’s just that the unique design of her heart will cause that part of her to move to a lower priority.

As much as our culture would disagree with this statement, science and regular interactions with men and women will prove to you that our brains are biologically wired differently.

There is a unique design within men that allows us to put parts of our lives into separate “boxes” so that they don’t affect the other areas of our lives as intensely as it does for our wives.

Here’s another example: let’s say that I was having some challenges at work that were really frustrating me. Then while on the drive home from work, a rock from a gravel truck hit my windshield and put a crack right in the middle of it. Next, as I pull into the driveway I see that a root from the tree in our front yard has begun to push its way under the concrete pads and lift a section of it.

All that said, if I were to walk into the house and then be greeted by Bonnie telling me how the kids were at my parents for the night and we were going to be all alone, dude, you better believe I am not thinking about work, rocks or concrete-lifting roots.

On the flip side, let’s say I come home and hear from my wife that one of the children is struggling with school, her mom is really sick and she had a disagreement with a friend that has left her feeling hurt. Do you think she is going to be thinking, “I can’t wait for sex with Bryan tonight”? Of course not! She is going to be thinking, “I need time to process all of this, and to talk with Bryan in order to un-pack some of these heavy dynamics that are effecting my heart.”

She is wired in such a way that the “boxes” of her life are more fully integrated. If one box isn’t doing well, it effects the other boxes - including the sexual/romantic one.

Let’s jump back to the previous hypothetical scenario when Bonnie receives a devastating phone call. What am I going to do?

Am I going to pout and whine? Because likely, she is going to want to go home and just get out of her really attractive dress and put on sweat pants.

Am I going to guilt her?

Am I going to run to pornography, because I think somehow I am justified now that she is not in the mood?

Again, NO, NO, NO!

I am going to find a mirror, any mirror - look deep into it while pointing my finger at the guy in the reflection and say, “Dude! You are not going to die!”

I am then going to be emotionally present for my wife and serve her in a way that allows her to process this current situation, trusting God to give me grace to govern over my own desires instead of them govern over me.

Will I be disappointed? Sure I will. Remember? I love sex! But, even more so, I love my wife!

For those of you who want to follow God’s way for your life - think about Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. He know’s that the time has come where he will be handed over to the local rulers and authorities, and that he will be brutally crucified.

His disciples are napping when they should be praying with Him, and He is feeling the weight of the situation. It’s at this moment that the Bible captures His amazing statement of prayer to His Heavenly Father as He realizes there is no other way, “…not My will, but Yours be done.”

Jesus was willing to lay aside His immediate desire for comfort and embrace suffering in order to serve others. In order to serve and save us - His church.

In the same way, in order to be the type of men who honour God and our wives, we must as recognize that we will not always get what we want and desire. Dude! You’re not going to die!

Now, practically speaking…

If you are a husband, take a moment to self-evaluate:

Have I put unkind expectations on my wife, forgetting about her integrated personhood?

Do I expect her to be perpetually “sexy”? Have I allowed advertising and pornography to shape my view of feminine normal?

Do I sulk or feel insecure and rejected if she is not as quick to respond sexually as I may, forgetting the role that biology plays?

If you are a wife, you can also take a moment to self-evaluate:

Have I insulted my husband for the biological design that God gave him?

Have I hurt him by accusing him of “only wanting one thing?”

Have I rejected my husband’s flirtatious advances as a way to control or manipulate? Is there a deeper issue going on that makes it difficult to connect in the vulnerability of sexual connection?

Husbands and wives, remember, that we cannot control anyone in the situation except our own self. There are clear directions in the Bible to help you know what YOU can do.

We recommend repeated reading of Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3, and you will find keys there that will lead to greater trust and corresponding sexual connection.

As always, please reach out if there is any way that we can answer questions or direct you to further resources.

Dude, You're Not Going To Die