“What? You’ve never had sex? Like... ever?”

“Nope. Never.”

“How do you even live!? How can you be so happy?”

This is a conversation I once had with a girl whose jaw hit the floor when I told her my story. 32, single, not sexually active and HAPPY.

In our culture it seems to be an oxymoron to be not sexually active and yet still loving life, joyfully waking up every day excited for what is ahead, and not looking at what is behind.

How did I get here? How do I handle the natural, hormonal desires that come up? How is life so fulfilling without a sex life? I’ll tell you a story...

When I was 20 years old I was dating a guy who was, to put it nicely, not my finest choice. But, I was broken, and he was giving me attention. He was addicted to sex and only cared about getting it. There were multiple times where I knew I should get out of the relationship, but with that came the fear of never being wanted ever again.

I vividly remember knowing that he was pulling away from me (because, I wasn’t giving him what he wanted). Fear gripped my heart thinking that I would lose him, so I made a decision that I was going to sleep with him.

“That will keep him around!” I remember thinking.

I remember the night I made the decision - I was on my way to a club in downtown Vancouver with a bunch of my friends, and the whole drive I was convincing myself that it would be worth it. It wouldn’t be that bad, and yes, it wasn’t waiting till marriage like I had always planned, but maybe that whole idea was overplayed.

I had settled it in my heart and decided to tell him the following day when I would see him. Two hours after making that decision, I received a text from him... “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. This isn’t working out.”

I never saw him again, ever. I felt confused and relieved all at the same time. Fast forward 2.5 years. At this point, I was dating a drug dealer. (Oh yeah, I knew how to pick them. But he was kind and drove a truck, so I was in). We had been together only a few months, and he wasn’t pushy. However, I knew that he was waiting for the time to come when we would have sex. I hadn’t communicated to him that that really wasn’t part of the plan for me. I was hoping that he would just figure it out (side note: never a good plan! Be open with your intentions)

There came a night where he was coming over to my house to hang out, and again I could feel that he was pulling away. My roommate was gone for the evening so I decided that it was a good plan to just have sex with him. I settled it in my heart. I got ready - like really ready. I cleaned my house, lit candles, showered etc... 10 minutes before he was going to arrive, I received this text.... “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. This isn’t working out.”

I never saw him again, ever. This time it stung to be rejected, but relief flooded over me as I knew I wasn’t ready to take that step and give myself in that way. I was not living out my faith in God at this point, but I knew that He was protecting me from myself. Even in my disobedience, He was faithful. I have never felt protection as strongly as I did in those moments.

Even while far away from God, I remember vowing to myself that I would never give up my morals again in the area of sexuality.

Has it been easy? Obviously not. (I was 23 when I made that vow and I am currently 32 with no potentials on the horizon.) Let’s be honest, hormones come. (For most women, like clockwork every month in fact.)

Every month I wrestle with desires. I wrestle them at weddings. I wrestle them with every engagement of my friends. I wrestle them in lonely seasons when I just think about how wonderful it would be to have someone close. I wrestle them in the fall when the weather is cold. I wrestle them during those stupid Hallmark movies that are never real life but get you EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

But it’s in the wrestle where I learn the beauty of the wait, the sacrifice of the fight, and the power that comes from redemption.

Has it been worth it? Looking back now, yes, every painful second of the process has been worth it.

Life is so much more than sex.

You could say to me, “Yeah, but Skye, you’ve never experienced it, so you don’t know anything different.” And that is true. This is my unique story, but I also know the deep yearning of waiting for this promise.

I have found life outside of sex and I believe that it has brought freedom for me. In our culture it is easy to be entangled in and so saturated by sex that we become a slave to it.

I have seen the pain of regret in some friends who compromised on their convictions. I know the hours that they have spent, crying in confusion and frustration because they gave themselves in this profound way, but then faced heartache, rejection, or betrayal. God doesn’t want anyone to face that kind of pain.

And from my perspective, I know the feeling of having a fulfilling life outside of sex. I know that when it happens it will just ADD to my life, not complete it.

What a beautiful gift humanity has been given in the intimacy of sex in marriage. Safe, fulfilling, freeing - in every sense. That is how God created it to be experienced.

Now, practically speaking:

Whether you are married or single, you can ask yourself, “Have I elevated sexual interactions in my mind, thinking that it is the absolute epitome to life?”

That type of thinking can lead to deep frustration and self-pity if you aren’t getting what you want. (Neither traits are very fun to be around.)

What other areas of your life bring fulfillment? Are you investing into self-development, friendship, mentorship, into education, or investing in the world around you?

It might be time for you to start on a journey of experiencing some of the other joys of life.

And for you married folk, you can ask yourself, “Am I making sex the epitome of our relationship? Or am I choosing to invest in the other dimensions of our relationship too?”

How To Be Happy Without Sex