All throughout this summer, we are focusing in on a series called SEX LIFE. Sometimes in the church setting we can spend so much time talking about what sex should NOT be like that we forget to talk about the way sex can bring incredible LIFE to covenant relationships.

Advertising, a lot of entertainment, and pornography portrays us as single-dimension people who are driven primarily by sex drive and physical attraction, but as soon as you’ve been married for longer than a minute, you start to realize how intertwined your soul, mind, and memories are with your sex life.

So, in order to have a healthy sex life, you have to get a handle on what’s going on in your head and heart. What are your motivations? Your fears? Your presuppositions?

When we were newlyweds, I often used to wonder, “How much sex should a married couple be having?”

“What is average? What is normal?”

The answer I’ve come to recognize is simply, “More.”

(Maybe you can’t relate to this. Maybe you’re here thinking, “You know. I think my spouse and I are just TOO connected. We keep distracting each other from getting our household chores done by being so dang attractive." How can we handle THAT?”

Sorry. I won’t be addressing that issue today, because I always hear the opposite narrative. Maybe you’re like the majority of us, and you’re asking, “How can we make our SEX LIFE more dynamic? How can we connect in a deeper, more consistent way?”

Maybe you feel like sex just doesn’t feel sexy anymore. Here are a 5 common difficulties and struggles that may be interfering with your SEX LIFE.

5 SEX-LIFE KILLERS

Feeling physically insecure or inadequate as a lover

It may be that you have an ideal body image in mind and you look nothing like it. It may be that you just aren’t sure if your spouse is still into you in the same way.

Here are some things you could do:

Cut out all forms of body image or sexy-behavior comparison as possible. Confidence is not about trying to look like someone else, but rather about being a stronger version of YOU. Magazines, Instagram scrolling and Pinterest “inspiration” may just be killing you or at the very least only motivating you by guilt which is short-lived and self-centered.
Begin to sow as many seeds of encouragement into your relationship as possible. Don’t let insecurity choke out genuine love which is also about the OTHER person. Be vocal. Be expressive. Be descriptive about what you life about them. Drown out the other person’s insecurity with your praise, even if that is the very thing you are needing too. (And don’t be dumb. If you want more sex with your spouse, then making jokes or being critical of their physical appearance is not a great way to motivate them to the vulnerability of nakedness.)
Do it afraid. Smile. Be kind. Flirt. Defy the fear that would divide your marriage.
Have some real conversation and be willing to express what you are facing and maybe one or two small things that your spouse could do to help you overcome this for the sake of your sex life.

2. Plain ‘ol lazy or allowing distraction

The selfish instincts inside each of us can let some really lame things happen to our marriage relationship. We have to think beyond momentary ease or the comfort of distraction. Men and women alike can find places to hide, places to indulge other aspects of their flesh, but at a detriment to their marriage.

Here are a few things that come to mind:

Everybody, shut off the screens more. Have times of day that are an agreed upon blackout. At the dinner table, focus on conversation with one another. On family holidays or weekend get-aways, keep a limit on it. Have you ever heard the story about the baby boom that happened 9 months after a winter storm black out in New York State? Yuh-huh. Electronics have not exactly helped our sex lives, so, keep that monster in check.
In the realm of “allowing distraction”, just come to terms with the fact that you won’t get everything off of your to-do list everyday, and you can have sex even if the kitchen isn’t clean. If you have to pick between having a clean garage or an intimate connection with your spouse, please see the long-term and societal value in a happy marriage.
Don’t get so busy with hobbies or individual pursuits that you forget about the relationship right in front of you. Even if the hobby is a healthy one, if it balloons to take up too much space in your calendar, budget or mental real estate, not allowing much room for relational investment, you may need to have some real conversation and re-evaluate things.

3. Always waiting for the other person to initiate

The trouble with this is that there can be a tense, silent stand-off for days, weeks, and even months as each waits for the other to initiate. Again, ask yourself, “Why?"

You may be doing it to prove a point, or in the hopes of forcing the other one to show interest. You may also be avoiding it because you feel that if they reject sex on any given day for any number of reasons, they are ultimately rejecting you. It may be time to employ the Golden Rule here and stop playing mind games. Approach intimacy not as a way to get the affirmation that YOU need, but rather as a way to affirm your spouse.
Potentially, because of stereotypically traditional male/female roles, some women may also feel that it is not appropriate to initiate, but rather that they are only supposed to follow the lead. You can find in the Bible in the Song of Songs, that this template is simply not true. According to that steamy record, being a lady does not equate being conservative in the bedroom with your husband.

4. Over-tired and over-committed

Dang. This is all too real. In many occasions, lack of sex doesn’t even start out as a deep-rooted heart issue, but as a practical, “We crammed too much into our calendar and now we are both exhausted by the time there is a chance for privacy and sexual intimacy.” There is a reality too that certain seasons of life are just naturally more exhausting. If you are launching out as entrepreneurs or parents of young children (among other things), you have extra layers of tired to navigate. So, just make sure that you are committed to that!

Here are some practical ideas for that one:

Predetermine together the number of evenings a week that you think should be reserved as, “Stay-at-home-no-commitment” nights. (We are certainly advocates for physical connection at whatever time of day is an option for you, but on average, evenings are most conducive with people’s schedules) This doesn’t mean that every night you are home together has to include sex, but it sure increases the opportunity!
If she is a part of a night soccer team and he wants to have a buddy over to play video games, line those commitments up to be on the same evening, so you can still have other healthy elements of your life, but it doesn’t eat up extra evenings.
Don’t feel the pressure for sexual encounters to all be romantically and spontaneously inspired as the sun sets. When life gets busy, you have to communicate and coordinate to make sure that important things HAPPEN. Employ code words and inside jokes so both of you are looking forward to Tuesday night.
In the season of having newborn babies (or newborn businesses, or any other number of seasons when EXTRA is demanded of you) be kind and understanding to one another, with LOTS of open conversation about hopes and expectations. An exhausted mother may need to say, “I have no strength left in me, but I want to have sex with you. How about you watch the baby while I have a nap, and we order in dinner so that we both have a bit in the tank later on tonight?” Sex isn’t the only priority in your marriage, but it certainly is one of them.
And finally, ask yourself, “Am I actually keeping busy because I WANT to avoid the vulnerability of sexual intimacy?” If so, why?

5. Flashbacks from the past or a sense that “sex is dirty”

All too often, men and women have experienced abuse, ridicule, or trauma in the area of their sexuality. For some, the occasion occurred decades ago, but when the body is touched again in a sexual way, the mind responds as though it happened yesterday. And so, the body refuses to respond.

On occasion, the pain experienced was because of something your spouse said or did in ignorance or selfishness.
For others, simply the cultural sexualization and objectification can make sex feel naughty or dirty. Influence of pornography can bring confusion about what is attractive and what is loving.

The water has become so muddy all around us and we hear so many negative stories, that is hard to see the joy in finding pleasure with your spouse. While the Bible says that husbands and wives can be naked and unashamed, many of your experiences have left you linking naked with complete shame.

You are not alone in this and there is absolutely hope in overcoming the past. For some, there is a momentous mindset shift, and for others it is a journey of walking through painful experiences of the past and closing up wounds so that intimacy with your spouse can be thoroughly enjoyed.

Here are some steps you can take today, if this is your story:

Reach out and talk to someone about this reality. Let your spouse know what you are facing so that you can journey into healing together. Professional counselling is excellent, but so is having a time of prayer with a spiritual leader in your life. Through the kindness and power of the Holy Spirit, broken hearts can be mended.
This isn’t a one time conversation. As often as the memories come up, you will have to bravely talk about it with someone, sort through the emotions of it, and bring the truth of God into those scenarios.
Did someone call you a “b*&ch or a wh#@^? You’re going to have to begin to believe what God says about you instead!
Did someone manipulate or threaten you into doing something you didn’t want to do? You are going to have to release yourself from the responsibility of that scenario. You cannot repent for the sin that someone else committed.
Are you hounded by repeat dreams of the incidents? By the power of the name of Jesus, those nightmares can be broken from your life.
Did you do something that you are now deeply ashamed of? Bringing that thing into the light is the only way that you will be free from the power of shame around it. God is a God of kindness and mercy.
Choose forgiveness. Not as a consent that what happened was okay, but rather to ensure that what happened in the past doesn’t get a chance to reach into your future and destroy that too. Forgiveness is a heart-level relinquishing of the need for revenge. Most often, you must choose forgiveness long before you begin to feel it. As often as memories come up, you can meet it with a prayer of forgiveness and release. This will train your mind not to fear or shut down.
Begin to think differently about the things that caused you pain and shame. There are incredible books to help aid that process. We at The Union are committed to releasing resources (podcasts, blogs, and true stories of others who have been healed) and we pray hope will spring up in you for brighter days ahead.

In conclusion, I don’t actually think sex will always feel sexy, but I am confident that we can all self-evaluate and see areas that we can course correct for the sake of intimacy. Scroll back over the list of ideas and pick one or two that you can start with today. Remember, you can’t control anyone but yourself, so choose with that in mind.

And may our sex lives increasingly reflect the joy and love that God intended for us all to experience.

When Sex Doesn't Feel Sexy