Is Isolation Your "New Normal"?
We’ve recently passed the one year anniversary of the death of our social lives. If you are like me, that was quite the shock to the system.
Where your calendar was perhaps full of birthdays, family dinners, friend get-togethers, church commitments, mentoring appointments and “just for fun” occasions, you found that any semblance of being a social butterfly was pushed back into its cocoon.
Stay home.
We mourned. We moaned. We found each other on Zoom and 6 feet away from each other in our respective vehicles in Canadian Tire parking lots.
We “zoomed” for conferences, for bachelorette parties, and work meetings. Our eyes grew blurry with connecting on screen. I heard it from everyone - we were grateful for the digital connection, but it just wasn’t the same.
But slowly over time, I think we began to adapt to the distance. Where once there was a painful awareness of the loneliness, many have grown used to the social distancing and adopted new ways of coping.
Now instead of feeling lonely, many people have filled their schedules with new interests and hobbies, new Netflix series and far more self-sufficiency. Trouble is, with isolation comes a whole world of deficiencies.
Are you wondering if you even want to return back to the hustle-bustle-exhaustion-from-social-expectations? Have you stopped seeking out connection? You may not feel lonely anymore (and may even be feeling guilty about that), but are you really better off alone?
As you reconstruct your social life, consider what Dietrich Bonhoeffer said: “Let him who cannot be alone beware of community... Let him who is not in community beware of being alone…"
Here are 7 things that you need to remember as you shape what your new normal will be:
1. You meet new people in community. (And all the single people hoping to get married one day let out a collective cheer.) Already prior to the pandemic, our social habits of hiding behind a mobile device were seriously cramping the chances of meaningful connection. Studies show that young people are having a harder time committing to marriage, getting a date, and even practicing the nuanced skills of flirting. (I’m not talking about being CREEPY, but I am talking about being FRIENDLY.)
Now, whether you are hoping to build a relationship with a special someone, learn a new skill from a mentor (and not just an online influencer who makes big promises, but can’t reasonably be expected to connected with everyone), or find some entrepreneurial friends to build with, community is a great place to branch out and meet new people.
2. You are accountable in community. In the Christian circles, “accountability” is thought of too narrowly. We think it means someone to confess to when we do something we know is wrong. Someone who will ask us if we’ve looked at porn recently. I believe that true accountability is when the people in your community help you keep an ACCOUNT of your ABILITY.
True accountability is when the people in your world help you keep an ACCOUNT of your ABILITY.
People who know you feel called to write and remind you of it.
People who recognize your gift of hospitality or mercy and support you as you operate in that.
People who don’t stop cheering for you just because you don’t get it perfect on the first try.
Don’t underestimate the value of that kind of encouragement to keep you headed in the right direction.
3. You have fun in community. I recently saw a friend post to her social media account, “I miss laughing in large groups of people”. I don’t know about you, but that resonated with me.
Last year as I was reading through the Bible and was in Leviticus (there are really some beautiful insights there - don’t be afraid!), I noticed something awesome about God; He actually legislated 7 annual parties which were called “feasts”. These feasts had a spiritual element to them, but also included vacation from work, road trips, seeing relatives, camping with family, and lots of delicious food. It was like God was teaching us that He has a serious value in having fun together. We see this modelled again by Jesus when He walked on earth. Jesus loved a good dinner party so much that His critics made a big deal about it, accusing Him of having too much fun. He showed us hard work, servanthood, and the value of having a good time with community.
4. You can get farther in community.
In the Bible, Ecclesiastes 4 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor…also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?”
There is a study of draft horses that shows that one horse can pull an astounding 8,000 pounds. Surprisingly, when two horses pull a load together, they do not just have the ability to pull 16,000 pounds, but upwards of 32,000 pounds!
It is a beautiful example of how our combined efforts bring great value. Whether you want to increase in spiritual health, in life skills, or in a humanitarian effort, we can make a greater impact when we combine our strengths and cover one another’s weaknesses.
In community, we can combine our strengths and cover each others’ weaknesses.
Though this would make a great argument for why it’s worth it to find a spouse (and work hard to keep your marriage strong), it is equally fitting as a reason to fight for authentic community. If not with a dozen people, at least with two or three.
5. You are safe in community. If ever you venture out into wilderness of any kind, the standard advice (which is very reasonable) is “make sure someone knows where you are.” Whether in a practical sense or in the spiritual, being in community protects us.
Ecclesiastes 4 continues in saying, “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up…Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Being in community helps to protect us from deception, from self-absorption, from mental illness, and from people who may be trying to take advantage of us. Having people who have your back can protect you from your inevitable blind spots. (And the person who doesn’t think he has any blind spots is in the most danger of all!)
6. We are influenced in community. I cannot count the number of times that I have been in conversation with someone and exclaimed, “Wow! I never knew that!”
There are so many opportunities to learn and grow if we will keep a posture of humility. You may be reminded to take better care of your body. You may be inspired to read a new genre of books, to reach out in generosity to your neighbours, to be an encouragement to your spouse, to be gentle with your child, etc. The list is endless.
We weren’t meant to learn only from books, courses or sermons. We were designed to be shaped by a diverse community of people who have similar values and spiritual end-goals in mind.
We were designed to be shaped by a diverse community of people who have similar values and spiritual end-goals in mind.
7. You meet God in community. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge advocate for having times of seclusion in order to meet with your heavenly Father. Just you, turning your heart’s affection towards Him, turning your worries into prayers, and listening for His voice.
In this last year of covid-induced, social-distancing, you’ve probably had ample time to take advantage of. (The question is…did we?) This is important, but it is not the only way to experience God. Jesus promised that “Where two or three are gathered in My name, there I will be in their midst.” There is a heaviness of His glory that resides when we gather together in worship, in taking the elements of communion, in confession, in prophecy and in prayer.
There is such comfort in seeing the love of God in the eyes of your spiritual brothers and sisters. When you feel the embrace from your community, even though they know your imperfections, you can begin to believe that God also extends that embrace to you.
This is the beauty of community. It is never perfect, but it is certainly worth it.
This is the beauty of community. It is never perfect, but it is certainly worth it. In this year of “unprecedented challenges”, do not abandon your legitimate need for other humans. Don’t settle for a life of convenient isolation, padded with your curated preferences and no one to challenge your narrative. There is so much growing to do, and we truly are better together.