We had a classic love story.

Fresh-faced, bright-eyed love birds who followed Jesus, flirting with notes filled with scripture, praying together every night before we said goodbye. We made it down the aisle as virgins, something so rare and precious we were practically unicorns. We were both raised to trust God’s design for our bodies and sexuality, and we bore the blessing of staying inside His boundaries. Our sex life was safe and fulfilling and I loved being married to my best friend.

Two babies, one master’s degree, and one business start-up later, I found myself in disbelief as I caught him scratching the 7-year-itch, having an affair with his secretary. My world shattered in an instant. It seems cliché to say I didn’t see it coming, but I really didn’t. He was the nicest guy, a marriage counselor, loved by everyone, gentle as they come.

I never thought he could hurt me like that.

Sexual violation takes many shapes and forms. They all devastate and break beautiful parts of us that God created with such care.

Places and people that were once safe become threatening and terrifying. For me, my best friend became a stranger. My sex life became a lie, a horror. I knew the enemy had executed a strategy to take my husband down through deception. I will never fully understand how it happened, how his heart slowly turned away from God, away from me. That is his story and not my own. But I am so grateful that from early on in the trauma, I realized the enemy had a strategy of lies for me, too. I needed to guard my thoughts and my heart from the same deception.

Lies cannot withstand the truth. While the affair completely destabilized and disoriented me, I was able to cling to one thing – the unshakable goodness of God. I couldn’t trust my husband, and I couldn’t even trust myself in those early days to know up from down, but I could trust God. I committed to letting His truth guide me. I devoured scripture, bathed in worship, and lived in prayer as my heart cried out in agony to Him every moment. I fell apart in His hands, and He didn’t lose a single piece of me.

I couldn’t trust my husband, and I couldn’t even trust myself in those early days,…but I could trust God.

I was blessed to have a solid spiritual and sexual foundation, as well as a tribe of people to speak life over me as I sorted through the lies and the truth. The next year of my life was an excruciating and yet beautiful journey with Jesus through my deepest, darkest valley. I learned to identify with our suffering Savior and felt His nearness almost tangibly. He helped me do impossible things. By His Spirit, I was able to extend grace and forgiveness to my husband and the other woman and establish boundaries by which my husband could make a new covenant with me. I felt God ask me to wait, to see if true repentance would come. I saw glimmers of hope, but in the end, my husband chose the death of our marriage, and God released me to sign the death certificate in a divorce.

God tended to my wounded heart with such affection for me and provided for my every need. As I continued to heal and find strength I never knew I had as a single mom, He guarded me with His truth. Eventually, He brought me the greatest gift of my life - a Godly man who had walked through the same fire as me. God restored everything the enemy had stolen, and then some.

As I’ve walked with other women through healing from affairs, I’ve been able to identify several lies that the enemy uses to try to take us down.

These are common to anyone who has been sexually violated, but they cannot compete with God’s truth. If you have been wounded by someone else’s sexual sin, let me encourage you that you can trust God’s word over your feelings, fears, or what anyone else has told you. If you recognize any of these lies, know that you are not alone!

Lie: “This is your fault.”

If only I could have…..fill in the blank….maybe I could have kept this from happening. I get it. Our minds try so hard to make sense of trauma. If only we could re-write the story, maybe it would have a different ending. The truth is that nothing can change the ending. The reason you are tempted to take responsibility is that you want to take control. I understand that. What happened to you was awful, and it should not have happened. But the truth is that we can only control our own choices, not someone else’s.

Truth: “This is NOT your fault.”

Nothing you have ever done, or not done, can cause someone else to sexually or emotionally violate you. God never condones any sexual activity outside of marriage, because He knows it hurts us. He does not blame you for someone else’s sin, and neither should you. You did not ask for it, earn it, or deserve it. If you feel like you did, please pray and ask God to reveal to you how He sees you. I promise those thoughts are not from Him. If you’ve engaged in sexual sin as well, simply repent and ask God’s forgiveness. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9 NIV) Your sins are covered by the blood of Jesus.

Lie: “You can never forgive this.”

Believe me, I understand that forgiveness is not easy. But be assured that forgiveness is not permission, an excuse, or a dismissal of the sin. It doesn’t even mean you must reconcile with the person who violated you. However, forgiveness is the only way to fully heal and be released from the connection to the trauma. Unforgiveness is like seeing that someone set your house on fire, and you holding the door closed so they can’t get out. You’re trying to make sure they get punished for what they have done, but there’s no way you won’t get burned if you stay in the building. They may have climbed out the window, but you’re still there, covered in smoke and flames. Get out!

The damage is done to the house, but it’s your choice if you let it continue to damage you. God is calling you into fresh air.

Truth: “You CAN forgive this.”

If you are a follower of Jesus, you have everything you need inside of you to forgive. You don’t have to do it alone – God’s Spirit is inside you! Ask Him to help you. Forgiveness is faith that the blood of Jesus is sufficient to cover every sin, even the ones that are committed against you. Forgiveness acknowledges the enormity of the hurt, the full depravity of the sin, and boldly confesses that Jesus’ blood is enough to cover even this. If it cost nothing, there would be no need for this faith, no need for a belief in God to accomplish this. But the bigger the hurt, the more honor is given to Jesus for covering the sin. He has forgiven us, and He will help you forgive those who have hurt you.

Lie: “Your sexuality is ruined.”

I remember feeling like damaged goods. I was humiliated to get an STD test when I had only ever been with one man, to whom I was married. How could I ever trust again? Who would want me? You may feel like this violation has changed everything, that it defines you. However, while someone else’s choices affect you, they do not define you. Only God has the right to define you. He says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He is in the business of making new creation, of making dirty things clean. He can, and will, restore anything that you put in His hands!

Truth: “Your sexuality can be RESTORED.”

By God’s grace, my second husband and I were also able to wait until marriage to have sex, which was a huge, double-rainbow miracle. Not only did we have that victory, which built trust in us, but our sex life has been nothing but freedom, fun, and true intimacy. We both surrendered our bodies and our hearts to God after our former spouses were unfaithful, and He restored us and brought us together. God has literally wiped away memories, old heart ties, and every residue of our sexual wounds. God wants to do that in your life too. There is nothing you can do in your own strength to remake yourself, but God has the power to restore and heal every part of you. “But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,' declares the LORD.” (Jeremiah 30:17 NIV)

The key to sexual health and identity is to always surrender ourselves to Jesus. He created us. He designed us. He knows what is best for us, and what will hurt us. He knows how to heal us. Somehow, He has the ability to walk us through these fires and keep us from being consumed. He is with you, and for you. Stay near to Him, trust Him with your brokenness, and watch Him make you whole again.

Surviving an Affair: Staying Whole When You are Broken