Have you ever wondered what makes a romantic relationship healthy from a Christian perspective?

Is it defined by whether or not it leads to marriage? Would it be whether or not you sleep together or cross other sexual boundaries? I think a lot of times these can be the only points we focus on.

We think that just because a couple gets married, it must of been a healthy relationship. Or we think that because they were sexually involved with each other outside the covenant of marriage, nothing about it was healthy.

I would agree that healthy romantic relationships can lead to marriage and that sexual involvement is not God’s plan and will cause trouble. But, is there not more to it than that? Are there not some other key elements to a successful relationship?

Today I want to share some very practical elements of what makes a romantic relationship healthy, what needs to be at the core of the relationship, and what we really need to get rid of.

Organic Does Not Mean Easy

Believe it or not, there was a time when all fruit and vegetables were “organic”.

Now, thanks to pesticides and what not, we have a separate section for these items in our stores which, I think is ironic. There has been an increased demand, at least in the area I live in, for these types of fruits and vegetables. However, they will almost always be significantly more expensive.

This is kind of disappointing to many of us because we are trying to make healthy eating choices. It may come as a surprise to you but it actually takes a considerable amount of extra work for these items to classified as organic.

I wonder if many of us think about the potential romantic relationships with the same error of organic fruits and vegetables. We want things to be “organic” or natural, but then have no structures in place or any plans to work on them. What we end up with is “fruit” that is stunted or just plain rotten. The organic relationship route isn’t easy. It takes time and intentionality, but it’s better for you.

The Friend Zone

Recently on part one of our podcast “Navigating The Journey of Singleness” we asked our good friend Shawn Harvey about the “Friend Zone”. I’d encourage you to go check it out because what he said was really insightful. To many of us the friend zone is not where we want to end up in the world of our prospective boyfriend or girlfriend. However, in our interview Shawn asked the question, ” Is there really another option? Would it be better to not be safe and not be considered a friend?” This is one of the key elements that is so overlooked and taken for granted today.

We can be tempted to look only for physically-based characteristics in a relationship, and end up being blinded to the internal, and relational characteristics of a person. But, it is our character that sustains us and others in the trials of life.

So what does real friendship look like?

I’d say that friendship is primarily a safe place. It is a place that allows you to be you and does not give room to counterfeit versions of yourself. It is also a place that will challenge you to be a better version of yourself. Friendship means we don’t ignore areas of weakness, sin, or lies in each other, but real friends speak truthful encouragement to those areas. In a healthy relationship, this kind of friendship can grow, which will simultaneously cause us as individuals to grow.

In light of what I just wrote, friendship is also fun! Like…fun! Like…laughter…joy! Those types of things. This was something that both Bonnie and I needed to focus on, even after we got married.

Both of our personalities are pretty intense. We have a tendency to be consumed with large issues within culture and how we need to change the world. For those of you who are into the enneagram personality assessment tool, I am the #1 Reformer type of personality, and that is also in Bonnie’s top three. If you know…you know.

We have found that purposeful times or dates to just have fun with each other and not be consumed with our plans of reformation have been a huge contributor to health. So much so that it becomes very evident if we have gone too long without them. For those who are interested in someone, but not committed to an official relationship process this is a great idea to take place in a group of friends - which leads me to my next point.

Isolation Will Kill Health

Early on in relationships it can be very easy to move into a place where your mind and emotions are caught up in this other person. Other friendships suffer and dwindle into the background as all your time and attention becomes this new found relationship. This is not healthy!

If anything, this new relationship needs to be brought into your already existing circle of friends, because they have emotionally unbiased eyes. Hopefully, they are not blinded by the new sense of companionship that you are experiencing and are free to look objectively at this individual’s character and behaviour patterns.

If you don’t have this realm of accountability from friends, parents, or mentors in your life you a really at a high risk of becoming blinded by a person’s “good” qualities and end up missing the, sometimes blatant, red flags. Remember, red flags mark landmines and landmines can take you out.

You may be saying right now, “Come on Bryan! Nobody is perfect, so what’s the big deal? Plus, I can change them.” First of all, Im not talking about perfection, but I am talking about the passion and direction of one’s life.

Is this person aware of their weakness and character problem, and making purposeful plans to grow and change? If not, then you will only get more of what they currently are.

I heard it said, “ Marriage and money will only make you more of what you already are”. If this person is dedicated to personal growth and development now then there is a higher chance that they will continue to be in marriage. If they are not at all interested in growing in relational, spiritual and emotional maturity, then they will only be more of that inside of marriage, if that is what you chose.

Boundaries of Honour

When I say the word “boundaries” what do you immediately think of?

Many of us look at boundaries in a negative sense as if they were cruelly keeping us from something really life changing and exhilarating. Obviously part of that is true. For example, there is a huge 40ft waterfall near my house. There are fences all the way along the trail meant to keep people from climbing the steep, slippery rock faces. Why is this? Because you could die!

So is something really being kept from us in this scenario or is something, like your life, being kept for you? It all depends on your perspective.

You see, God lovingly puts a boundary around areas in our lives not to keep something from us, but for us. For example, He doesn’t say, in Hebrews 13:4, that “the marriage bed is undefiled” because sex outside of marriage is just so life-giving and shame-free. In fact it is the exact opposite!

It’s not that God is anti-sex by any means; He’s the one who created it. He is also the one who created humanity to have a deep psychological and emotional bond because of the sexual experience. That’s why He gives it as a gift to be experienced in the safe, secure, faithfully committed context of marriage. Your heart was not made to function sexually without those key attributes. It is a recipe for confusion, shame and decay of soul.

In light of all that, what does healthy boundaries look like practically? It comes down to one word: PLAN!

I’ve heard it said before that, “No one plans to fail; there is only a failure to plan. “

When Bonnie and I began our relationship journey together we wrote down a set of guidelines that gave a snapshot of what our times together would look like. We gave this list to mentors in our life for the sake of transparency.

It contained a statement of our intentions towards each other - that we were wanting to discover compatibility and grow in friendship. It also contained practical boundaries that we felt good about; we included a weekday and weekend curfew. We had even communicated about the personal convictions we had regarding physical affection. We even purposed not to spill all of our deepest secrets early in the relationship, because we didn’t yet know what the future was going to look like.

Okay, before you get all upset saying how structured and boring this all sounds, you need to understand something. We were only trying to make decisions ahead of time that were inline with our vision and values, not our hormones or desires. We both were humble and real enough with ourselves to realize that we really cared about one another.

It was important to us to not be put in a situation where that attraction would blind our good judgement and lead to dishonouring each other and God. It’s not to say that there wasn’t spontaneity or fun. We had a lot of fun times. We also faced zero shame, because we made decisions ahead of time. How can I even express how grateful we are for those hard decisions we made!

How much is that worth to you? Is it worth risking the possibility of initial awkwardness?

This plan adapted as our relationship progressed and were closer to stepping into engagement. Once we realized that we were going to get married, then we knew it would be appropriate to share even deeper matters of the heart, to show increased affection, and to dream together about the future.

We would communicate about these changes with our mentors, and be open to any thoughts and wisdom they had on it.

It is important to make mention that words on paper mean nothing if you don’t have a real desire to honour one another and respect the unique design of each other’s heart. If you are just following someone else’s idea without revelation to the “why”, I can almost guarantee that you will fail.

Our journey was not free from pressures and desires, but both Bonnie and I were convinced that we would rather deal with the pressure and discomfort of restraint in the present than to deal with the regret and heartache in the future.

You cannot sow to the selfish desires of your lower nature and reap joy, peace and confidence. You will reap guilt, shame, confusion and pain. However, the opposite is also true: if you begin to do what is right instead of what is easy, and sow obedience, honour and respect, you will reap an abundance of blessing.

Remember, a successful relationship is far more than just two people making it official and tying the knot. In my opinion, a successful dating relationship would be one where two people can discover if they are compatible in an atmosphere of mutual respect and selflessness. If that doesn’t end in marriage, that is not failure.

So, if you want a healthy relationship, are you willing to:

be intentional?
develop true friendship?
stay in community?
be honest about your own boundaries and convictions?
respect the other person’s as well?

NOTE TO THE READER:

Now, all of that being said, we are well aware that there are countless people who made decisions in the early stages of relationship that they now regret. We do not want to heap any MORE shame or frustration on you. There is a healing and great HOPE for freedom and healthy relationship for all who will engage in that process.

But, we also don’t want to stay silent on this topic, for the sake of those still trying to determine what their romantic relationships will look like. I hope that you understand my motivation for sharing this perspective today!

Define The Relationship - Elements of a Healthy Romantic Relationship