Four Things You Need To Be Before You Get Married

Okay, you probably need more than four.

I'd actually like to begin with a recommendation that you bring in a sandwich press.

Bryan and I married in the fall of 2007, so those early months were the soggy ones that we here in the Fraser Valley of British Columbia know all too well. Nearly every Sunday afternoon included grilled cheese sandwiches, soup, and watching golf on the couch snuggled in blankets. Which led to ritual naps.

So, you actually need at least F I V E things before you get married, because I wish the joy of a sandwich press for every couple.

But, seriously now.

I'm not going to say "You need a university degree, or a six-figure job, or a mortgaged home, or topped-up RRSP's." I'm going to leave that between you and your financial advisor and maybe your parents. Do remember that there is always "better and worse" no matter how much is in your bank account. In generations past, you didn't marry so you could enjoy the riches you had amassed, but rather you chose a partner that would labor beside you and increase your chances of survival. Maybe we can find some balance if we keep that in mind.

This will actually be a brief list of character traits that you will need to build a life.

It is not about achieving perfection, but about direction. 

It is about building a reputation and reputations are built through repetitions. You could liken them to train tracks upon which the momentum of your life can travel and carry the great treasure of your heart to where God has purposed you to go. Over and over again, determining to do what is right - not what is easy. You will blister your hands, driving spikes into those tracks with no applause or accolades, only the echo of striking iron. You will be doing what is right because it is best and because you desire to please God, the Lord of heaven and earth.

f o u r  things you need to be before you get married

O N E - Honest

 Be the kind of person that tells the truth, no matter what. Even if it costs you. Even if people look at you strangely. Even if you have to go back and correct yourself to apologize for exaggerating the facts. Even if it means you don't get your way. Honesty doesn't manipulate with words, tears or silence. Rather, it leads us to make real requests and leave the results in others’ hands.

Honesty shows up in your finances, in your time, in leisure and in your labour. Honest people do what they say they will do, and if they make a mistake, they take ownership of it. Honesty does not allow us to laugh if we don't think it's funny, or to pretend it's fine if it really isn't. Honesty holds us to our true selves, and this kind of living makes us free people.

T W O- Honouring/Honourable

 Don't honour people because the other person deserves it, but because you yourself are an honourable person. The heroic kings and queens of history, the ones we admire, would never let their behaviour be dictated by the indecencies around them. They held themselves to a high standard of respect, no matter where they were or who they were with.

You can be silly, light-hearted, and even an outright stinker, yet not violate respect. Honour does not demand that we forfeit our opinions or our personalities, yet we choose to govern our mouths, facial expressions and actions. Honour does not degrade self or others. Honour doesn't turn a blind eye when it sees flaws, yet it is not critical or unforgiving. Honour welcomes all the good and attempts to protect and cover the inevitable weaknesses of others. Honour never gossips, never mocks with a bitter soul, and never writes others off. Honour knows how to treat leadership, peers and those under its authority. In that place of honour, favour is released.

T H R E E - Hard-working 

Laziness destroys, while diligence builds. It may not make a flashy difference, but over time, those choices to work hard when no one is looking will set the tone for your life. To be hardworking is to be unafraid of pushing through challenges or fatigue. Hard-working people can get their hands dirty and do not think themselves too good for it. Hard-workers don't whine and complain, but they do what it takes to make a change. Hard workers are not okay with sitting back, letting the rest of the team suffer while they indulge in comforts. Hard workers don't steal extra minutes on their coffee breaks and don't smuggle their phones onto the floor. They stay engaged, brainstorming for new solutions to everyday problems. They find joy in keeping their hands busy and turning their efforts into an impact. Hard-workers are servants, and servants are the greatest leaders of all.

F O U R- Humble

God himself is opposed to the proud, but He is pouring out grace every time you humble yourself. Perhaps humility is laced through the previous three traits. It may be the crowning trait of all because it is the humble person who will not stop learning and increasing.

Humility lets the spotlight be on others. Humility asks for help and advice. Humility knows how to bow down in prayer and also how to stand firm in obedience. Humility is grateful, gracious and forgiving. Humility apologizes and asks for forgiveness. That may be the sweetest reward of all: the humble one is not limited. While the prideful demand a grand entrance into every room, the humble can fit through any low doorway. God exalts those who humble themselves.

Could you imagine marrying someone like this? Could you imagine being someone like this? It is best to start there. And no matter how far down the track you are, there is always room for growth.

 Start building those habits, one day at a time, one hard choice at a time. Then just watch where your tracks will take you.

In my opinion, these are top priority on the list of things you need before you get married. However, if you already have tied the knot, it's certainly not too late these to add these to your personal inventory.

(And don't forget the sandwich press.)