Two Truths and a Lie: The Way Shame Speaks
There is a game called, “Two Truths and a Lie”; it consists of a person telling two truths about and one lie about themselves and then the other players have to guess which statement is the lie. Really complicated, right?
Well, for a guy like me, who is horrible at lying, it is much harder then you think. To be honest I don’t know why I even bother playing the game, because I am a dead give-away.
It is so interesting that many of us play this game inside of our own head all day long.
Let me explain it in the following way. Say you are having a conversation with someone. and they are pouring out their heart to you about a challenging situation in their life. Instead of just listening and hearing them out, you begin to tell them a story about your own challenging experience in an attempt to relate. You make the conversation be all about you.
At this point you can imagine that your friend, who was vulnerably sharing their heart with you, begins to close up relationally. They become visibly cold and disengaged towards you. Let’s say that your friend doesn’t bring this up with you until a few days later, when they call you out-of-the-blue. They tell you that they didn’t feel heard, and even begin to unload on you about how selfish they think you are. You are shocked, but begin to wholeheartedly apologize and ask for forgiveness. You’ve hurt your friend, but they still tell you, “I forgive you” and the conversation closes up soon afterwards.
As you put down your phone, you are likely feeling horrible. I have been on the “asking for forgiveness side” before so I know exactly how it can feel. You can see the truth in what your friend said: hijacking the conversation was wrong, and the fact that this has happened more often than you’d like to admit is an indication of a habit of selfishness.
Those were the two truths.
Here comes the lie.
Shame begins to take things farther and says to you, “You always do this!”, “You are selfish and you will always be! Why can’t you get over yourself?”
It may be really obvious to us now that this as a lie because we’re not in the middle of it all. It sounds quite dramatic in nature, which can be a dead giveaway when we’re looking in from the outside.
The real challenge with discerning the lie is the fact that it has just enough truth to pass by undetected. Can you see which part is the lie when you’re facing it?
The lie is that you are destined to always be this way. The lie is that there is no point in trying. The lie is that your relationships are forever doomed because of your mistakes. The shame is trying to push you in the wrong direction - towards hopelessness and isolation.
Have you ever driven the wrong way on a one-way street before?
I have! By accident of course, but it is absolutely terrifying none the less. When it comes to processing shame I feel like this is an accurate analogy. There is “right-way” shame and “wrong-way” shame.
Just like there is a flow of traffic that we can merge into and follow the path to our desired destination, so “right-way shame” can move us towards a place of forgiveness, reconciliation and change.
The term shame tends to always carry with it a negative connotation, but it can actually have a positive effect if we allow us to point us in the right direction. God allows us to experience the sense of shame, so that if ever we crossed a boundary and did something wrong, we’d feel the weight of that decision within us and desire to have it gone. It is meant to bring awareness of the wrong done, and give inspiration to not go there again. The conviction of the Holy Spirit of God will bring awareness to our state and nudge us to come closer to Him and find freedom.
“Wrong-way” shame has a subtle way of lying to us at times and tries to sentence us to a lifetime in our current state. It gives us no room for transformation and pushes us away from God and relationships with people we love. However, God’s truth loves to come to us in the midst of our hiding, self-abasement and self-hatred and point us in the right direction again.
In order for this to happen we have to submit ourselves to the 3-step process found in the Bible, in 1 John 1:8-9.
“If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.” 1 John 1:8
Acknowledge
Identify where you went wrong. This requires humility and honest self-awareness. If you get stuck, ask the Holy Spirit to make it clear for you. He is all about you getting free, so He will help you.
“If we confess our sins…” 1John 1:9 (a)
2) Confess
Once you have acknowledged where you have gone wrong, it is vital to bring it into the light with both God and man (James 5:16).
Your confession to God is not for Him to gain new information. He is already very much aware. The confession is for you to get it out of your heart and to clear the air between you and bring honest relationships with God.
Your confession to a trusted friend or mentor, is to bring a sense of support and accountability. It will also destroy the assaulting lie that says, “If people found out what you were really like, they wouldn’t love you.” When people listen and receive us in the midst of our mess, we find healing.
“He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
3) Receive
It is in these moments that we have to allow the Holy Spirit to bring us back to a place where we are established in the love of God. The Lord God hates the sin because it separates us from Him and brings death to our souls. So many people don’t allow this step to take place because they believe that means that they are getting away with what they have done. They fear that receiving comfort will just make them feel liberated to end up doing the same thing again.
In actuality, when we allow the love of God to penetrate our hearts and be established in us, we won’t ever want to go back to those places.
So, today, what can you do to acknowledge the truth of conviction in your life, and reject the lie that is trying to push you the wrong-way? I recommend that you take a moment to journal it out, or make a note in your phone to take a step in the right direction again.