The Struggle with Feminine Beauty
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wished you were not a woman?
I get it. There are complicated, heavy struggles for women in this broken world. It would be impossible to include every element of that struggle in one blog post, but I’d like to bring some light in the hopes that by talking about it, you would feel less alone, and strengthened to face the situation. (And men, you are welcome to stay and read, in the hopes that you can live compassionately among us!)
Now, I remember when I was 21 years old, on a missions trip to a mountainous village in rural Peru, I became innately aware of the struggle of being female. I was being stared at by men of all ages, possibly because I was one of a handful of white girls. Or possibly for other reasons. Either way, I felt defenseless and nervous by their stares. There was a language barrier, so I had no words to use or hide behind. (To be honest, I had never before realized how much I had relied on wit and sarcasm to deflect being hit-on when I was home in Canada.)
I was grateful that the guys in our team were aware of the situation and wouldn’t let us walk alone, especially at night. If we were at the market, at the ice-cream shop, or walking on those thin, roughly paved sidewalks, the girls in our group felt the pressure of relentless attention and comments. I didn’t feel flattered; I felt exhausted. During that two-week time span, I reactively came to a place of resisting and even briefly despising my own femininity and beauty.
There was a young girl who lived at the hostel where we were staying. I remember that she was such a cute little thing - probably only 5 or 6 years old. Caramel-colored skin, deep brown eyes, and a shy smile. I would look for her every morning as we headed out for the day so that I could greet her and hopefully make her feel important!
I remember looking at her one day, wondering, “What will happen to you as you grow into a beautiful woman? Will you feel targeted too?”
All that pressure. Whether you are a man or a woman, you’ve likely heard people talk about this pressure and even the levels of fear that women live with, day after day. Their workplace, the cafeteria, the parking lot outside the grocery store, hiking trails. The list goes on. It can be wearisome to have to plan your life around the potential danger, stares, or rude remarks.
Some women begin to despise their bodies or feel tempted to sabotage their own beauty, because it brings them unwanted attention.
There can be a temptation to stop caring about appearance, to hide beneath unflattering clothing, or resist all things feminine. They may even abandon healthy eating and exercise because of it.
I’ve heard some girls say, “I know that I’ll never be beautiful, so I figure, why bother trying?” It’s like, “I’ll reject myself before you do, so that I won’t have to feel the sting.” You can’t lose a game that you opt out of, right? Some feel like if they ATTEMPTED to be beautiful, they would make a fool of themselves or be teased for their efforts. Their choices come from a concoction of thoughts that are stirred in their mind.
Feminine beauty feels like a source of pain to them.
On the other hand, women sometimes opt to use their power to attract as a way to control the people around them.
They feel the thrill of gaining attention and managing a room with their flirtatious behavior or the sexual tension that they cultivate. They fall prey to a mindset of constant comparison and competition with other females. They strive and strain in order to stay attractive, and may even hate how the passage of time shows up on their face and in their body. To look in the mirror and see that the flower of youth is fading feels catastrophic, because they aren’t sure how to connect to people without external youthful beauty.
In the midst of these conflicting views, women need to know that they are more than their body. More than their external beauty.
Our value is in our personhood.
Why did God give this unique beauty to the female gender? Women were designed to be such strong creatures, and yet also have the ability to gently nurture and bring life to those around them. This is the nature of all beauty. In the presence of unexploited, generously offered beauty, there is a returning to rest and to joy.
There is an external beauty that is undeniable, but it is shallow in comparison with the internal beauty that comes through kindness, goodness, and hope. Often this beauty is forged in the fires of trial and suffering. There is a deep beauty of soul when someone chooses humility in an insecure world. This type of beauty transcends the years, shines out of a woman’s eyes, and alters the atmosphere of a room.
The message from the heart of God to every woman on earth is “I see who you are. Beneath the surface.”
I believe that God has made a way for you to be healed from past pain. You can begin to overcome the fears that have tried to corner you or tempt you to use your beauty outside of God’s instructions. He can guide you to navigate the culture’s pulling tide and still cultivate your beauty. As you surrender your beauty to the Lord, you can be free to release the blessing of who you truly are and your giftedness to your family, community, and the nations of the world.
If this post resonates with you, and you’d like to ask God for help to overcome negative mindsets about your femininity, here are some words you can pray:
For those who have felt the pain and pressure from being a woman in today’s culture:
God, I ask for Your power to be released in my life, to begin healing my heart and my self-perception. I’ve been angry at the people who have disrespected or abused me. I’ve been afraid of being hurt again. In the name of Jesus’ I choose to forgive. I do need Your help, Lord, to free me from those painful memories. Please help me know who I can talk to about this, so that I don’t have to go through it alone.
For those who have rejected their beauty:
God, I don’t want to reject my own beauty anymore. It has brought me pain. I’m sorry that I’ve hated and rejected who You’ve made me to be. Please help me see the innate beauty that You’ve put in me. I want to take care of this body that You’ve given me, and reflect Your nature in my decisions.
I realize that I’ve been wrong to live comparing myself with the women around me, and not trusting Your design of my face, body, and personality. Please heal my heart from all the pain of rejection, both from myself and from others.
For those who have exploited or over-emphasized their beauty:
God, I don’t want to use my external beauty as a weapon or defense anymore. That has also brought me pain.
I’m sorry that I’ve used this gift of beauty to control or manipulate others. I’m sorry that I’ve critiqued and hated parts of who I am. I don’t want to strive for an image of perfection anymore. I also don’t want to feel the pressure to be constantly aware of my sexuality in order to attract.
Please heal me from memories of how the “game” went wrong, and forgive me for when I did things that I didn’t really want to do in order to get the attention that I thought I wanted. I don’t want to fear aging; please help me see that my beauty is more than external.