Organic Dating Relationships
Have you ever wondered how to tell if your relationship is healthy?
From the outside looking in, we could assume that a relationship is a certifiably “good one” if the two people involved decide to tie the knot. Or we may feel ashamed if the road of romance for us has bumpy communication or potholes of conflict. But not all dating relationships will end up at the marriage altar, even if the people involved were both in a good place and making healthy choices. And, it is inevitable that even the healthiest of relationships would go through seasons of trial.
I’ve heard people say that they want their relationships to be organic. They are usually referring to a sense of the connection not feeling forced, but it got me thinking—what are the practical lessons we can apply to relationships to help them grow more organically?
First of all, we need to acknowledge that “organic” does not mean “easy”.
Organic Does Not Mean Easy
There was a time when all fruits and vegetables were “organic”, but now people have to decide if the superior flavour and health benefits are worth the higher price tag. Where we live, here on the west coast of Canada, there is generally a high respect and demand for these types of fruits and vegetables, but unfortunately they are almost always more expensive. When I learned about all the extra effort that organic farmers have to put into the growing process, I understood why there was greater cost.
In the same way, growing a relationship in an organic way will take time and intentionality, but the benefits are undeniable.
4 Ways to grow an organic relationship:
Invest in the friendship.
We can be tempted to look out only for physically-based characteristics in a relationship, but then end up being blinded to the internal character of a person. By investing in a friendship with your significant other, you’ll be developing a safe place that does not give room for being fake or surface. Friendship means we don’t ignore areas of weakness in one another; real friends can speak the truth with grace.
Good friendship is also a place to have fun, to laugh together and enjoy one another’s company. If a relationship is primarily based on chemistry and attraction, it can distort the chances to just be yourself!
Beware of isolation.
It isn’t healthy for any relationship to retreat into isolation. Even early in relationships, it can be tempting to allow all your mental space and emotional energy to be directed to that one other person, but this can cause other friendships to suffer and fade into the background of your life. It isn’t healthy to put all the relational pressure of your heart onto one individual—no human can handle that kind of weight! Rather, be intentional to bring (and keep) that romantic relationship within your circle of friends and community of faith. If you don’t have a sense of accountability from friends, parents, or mentors in your life, you increase the risk of becoming blinded by the other person’s good qualities and end up missing or ignoring blatant red flags. Living transparently within community gives you a chance to receive wise counsel for your situation.
Of course, no one has it all together! You aren’t looking for perfection in a partner, but you can be looking for intention. Look at the passion and direction of their life. Is this person self-aware and making plans to grow and change? Is he, or she, seeking to learn? Asking for wisdom from people who have more experience? What is their general reputation? I’ve heard it said, “Marriage and money will only make you more of what you already are”. If the person you’re dating is dedicated to personal growth and spiritual formation in Christ now, then there is a higher chance that they will continue to be in marriage.
Ask questions to discover if there is real compatibility.
Compatibility is about far more than finding chemistry or avoiding loneliness. It is about a congruency of values and vision. Discovering compatibility also includes discovering if two people share the same values and aspirations. If you are going to merge your lives, with two becoming one flesh in the sacred union of marriage as it says in Scripture, you’ll want to have meaningful conversations about matters of spirituality, worldview, gender roles, political values, how to healthily process emotions, expectations for family life, what to do with time and finances, etc. There will likely be areas that do not align, and you’ll have to determine if these are deal breakers or not, leaning on the Holy Spirit and the support of wise counsellors in your life! Do not leave these things up to chance and do not make assumptions. You need to know if the two of you are heading in the same direction!
(You can find a list of 36 good conversation starters for dating couples by clicking here!)
Keep boundaries of honour.
Many of us think of boundaries as a negative thing—a restriction that is limiting you. Of course that is partially true. For example, there is a huge 40ft waterfall close to where we live, and there are fences all the way along the trail meant to keep people from climbing the steep, slippery rock faces. Why? To prevent death!
In the case of sexual desire and expression, God has lovingly put a boundary around it—not to keep something from us, but to keep something for us. In Hebrews 13:4, the Bible reminds us that the “the marriage bed is undefiled” because sex inside of marriage is life-giving and shame-free. God is not anti-sex by any means; He’s the one who created it. He is also the one who created humanity to have a deep psychological and emotional bond through sexual experience. That’s why He gives it as a gift to be experienced in the safe, secure, faithfully committed context of marriage. In light of all that, what does healthy boundaries look like practically? It comes down to one word: PLAN!
I’ve heard it said before that, “No one plans to fail; there is only a failure to plan. “
When Bonnie and I began our dating relationship, we wrote down a set of guidelines that gave a snapshot of what our times together would look like. (We also gave this list to our parents and trusted mentors in our life for the sake of transparency.) We wrote down a statement of our intentions towards each other—that we were wanting to discover compatibility and grow in friendship. Even though we were in our early twenties, we also gave ourselves a weekday and weekend curfew to follow when we were out together. We laid out our personal convictions regarding physical affection and emotional intimacy, choosing to pace ourselves so that we didn’t share too much too soon.
We were only trying to make decisions ahead of time that were inline with our vision and values, not our hormones or desires. It was important to us to not be left in a situation where any physical attraction would blind good judgement, and lead to dishonouring each other and God.
It’s not to say that there wasn’t spontaneity or fun. We had a lot of fun times. We also faced zero shame, because we made decisions ahead of time. How can I even express how grateful we are for those hard decisions we made! This plan adapted as our relationship progressed and were closer to stepping into engagement. Once we realized that we were going to get married, then we knew it would be appropriate to share even deeper matters of the heart, to show increased affection, and to dream together about the future. We would communicate about these changes with our mentors, and be open to any thoughts and wisdom they had on it.
Our journey was not free from pressures and desires, but both Bonnie and I were convinced that we would rather deal with the pressure and discomfort of restraint in the present than to deal with the regret and heartache in the future.
You cannot sow to the selfish desires of your lower nature and reap joy, peace and confidence. You will reap guilt, shame, confusion and pain. However, the opposite is also true: if you begin to do what is right instead of what is easy, and sow obedience, honour and respect, you will reap an abundance of blessing.
Remember, a successful relationship is far more than just two people making it official and tying the knot. If it doesn’t end in marriage, that doesn’t mean you failed! In my opinion, a successful dating relationship would be one where two people can discover if they are compatible in an atmosphere of mutual respect and selflessness.
So, if you want a healthy relationship, are you willing to:
be intentional?
develop true friendship?
stay in community?
be honest about your own boundaries and convictions?
respect the other person’s as well?