The Irreplaceable Parent
Part 1 of a Series on The Proverbial Tale of Two Women: Wisdom vs. Seduction
This summer our local church took a deep dive into the biblical book of Proverbs, dissecting various themes. On August 18th, we were honoured to be able to share on chapters 5-8, which hold imperative lessons on matters of sexuality and relationships. As we prepared our notes to speak, we recognized that there was more content in those 3 chapters than could possibly be covered in a Sunday morning message. We wanted to dedicate some space here to share some of those biblical insights with you.
The first thing that you need to know as we look into the book of Proverbs, is that this is a poetic book, not a historical recording or prophetic message. In the first portion of Proverbs, you’ll see the literary device of personification; this is when writers assign human characteristics to an object or idea. For instance, in chapter 8, the concept of Wisdom is personified as an honourable Woman who is standing on the street corner, calling out to anyone who wants to find a long, fulfilling life. At the same time, the concept of Seduction is also personified as a Woman - only this time, she is a desperate, conniving voice who will lead strong men to destruction. Of course, both men and women can be led by either wisdom or seduction.
The urgent instruction to readers is clear - be alert. Know the schemes of Seduction. Pursue wisdom. With all of that established, here is Part 2 of this series, “The Proverbial Tale of Two Women: Wisdom vs. Seduction”. (You can click here to read Part 1: The Irreplaceable Parent)
“My son, give me your heart
and let your eyes delight in my ways,
for an adulterous woman is a deep pit,
and a wayward wife is a narrow well."
Proverbs 23:26-27 (NIV)
Years ago while taking a course in child development and attachment theory, I was floored when I heard the instructor say, "You will always seek to please the one to whom you are most attached.”
He went on to explain that this wasn’t about superficial connection, nor just about spending a lot of time together. This was about the deeper kind of attachment between people, where there was a cultivated vulnerability, a sense of belonging to one another, and a knowledge that you mattered to each other. The deeper the relational attachment, the greater will be your desire to please each other.
As I listened, a lightbulb turned on for me. To be honest, it was more like fireworks as a collection of Scripture verses and life experiences sparked to life in my mind. For instance, when Jesus said, “If you love me, you will keep my commandment,” (John 14:15 ESV) He wasn't trying to manipulate His disciples into doing what He wanted. He was just explaining the natural correlation between loving someone and seeking to please them. I recalled the bizarre way that I tried to keep friendships secure in my teen years, and even the pressure I felt to go along with others, even against my own convictions. I was trying to please the ones to whom I was most attached (or the ones whom I thought I wanted to be attached to!).
When we look at Proverbs 23:26-27, we can see how this psychological reality comes to play. Here the parents are imploring their child, “Give me your heart. It will protect you." Proverbs 6:20-24 says it in a similar way:
“My son, observe the commandment of your father
And do not forsake the teaching of your mother;
Bind them continually on your heart;
Tie them around your neck.
When you walk about, they will guide you;
When you sleep, they will watch over you;
And when you awake, they will talk to you.
For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching is light;
And reproofs for discipline are the way of life
To keep you from the evil woman,
From the smooth tongue of the adulteress.”
Here we see how a son or daughter's healthy relational attachment to God-honouring parents can serve as a profound source of protection against sexually immorality. As our friend Jim Anderson often told us, “It is hard to reject the values of someone who loves you.”
One of the chief schemes of our spiritual enemy is to separate and isolate the generations. In our modern society, we are often led to believe that we belong primarily with people who are the same age as us. The children belong together. The teens belong together. The middle aged belong together. And the seniors are supposed to be together too. What we see in Scripture is that God established hierarchal structures called families. The purpose of family is multi-faceted, but one essential element was to allow for the transference of values to be passed from one generation to another. Sure, this could include the value of shopping for a good deal, or the value of letting everyone open a gift on Christmas Eve, or even the value of singing “Happy Birthday” to one another in a silly way. (That’s a personal example!)
Included within those values are the moral ones. The ones that impact our sexuality.
“Give me your heart, and you’ll stand a chance against the seductive spirit that is plaguing the nations of the earth.”
So, parents, this message is for you:
You are irreplaceable. You are the primary disciples in the life of your child. Even if you are not a “professional”, do not abdicate your authority or your role. Your work is not done when your child heads off to school. Your work is not done when they start going to youth group. Your work is not even done when they leave for college. God designed every one of us to thrive in family units, and your children need you. You are your child’s best chance.
But they don’t just need you as the lecturer who can repeat to them what the Bible says. Our kids need us to know them. To treasure them. And to fight for a relational connection. Even now, I’m considering our 6 sons and remembering that I can’t let off the gas on this matter. I can’t rely on last month’s connection. It’s our job to keep investing our hearts right here and now.
I recently heard someone say, ““To the extent that a man or woman will find their identity as a father or mother is the extent that their child can find their identity as a son or daughter.”
Right now there are thousands of Christian parents who are wondering, “How can I protect my kids from the transgender ideology that is flooding pop culture and school curriculum?” One key way - stop seeking to find your identity in accomplishments, in accolades or in financial status. Rest in your God-granted role as a mother or father; take your position as a pillar in your family and within your larger community.
Ask God for His guidance on how to live primarily as a mother or father. It is enough. Learn to be at ease in the secret place of your home.
And now, young people, this is for you.
No matter how old you get, God has called you to honour your mother and father. I’ve pondered often at how God gives children the formidable instruction to honour their parents. Children are the ones who live with and see their parents flaws most clearly, yet God says, “honour”. Keep your heart open to the them, in spite of their imperfections.
Proverbs 30:17 is underlined in my Bible even though it is admittedly a weird one; it is a metaphorical description of what happens to the son or daughter who refuses to honour:
“The eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be picked out by the ravens of the valley and eaten by the vultures.” (ESV)
Here the Bible is warning us that the one who mocks and scorns their parents will in time lose their “eyes”. They will lose clear perspective and their ability to walk freely and confidently. In our splintered society, I am aware that there is growing number of young people who have been neglected or wounded from their parents. What are they to do? This isn’t about turning a blind eye or lying to oneself about the way that parents have disappointed you or wounded you.
But, you must choose to wrestle through emotions and find a way to be both honest and honourable. To empathize with your parents’ humanity, and to not demand that they take the place of Source or Saviour in your life. As you choose to walk a path of honour, you will in turn be keeping your heart open to a source of wisdom from your Heavenly Father, who does not change like the shifting shadows. (James 1:17-18).
We need each other, don't we? And regardless of what type of what type of childhood you had, you can offer a richer inheritance to your own kids as you lean into the loving presence of God Himself. He can walk with you, and as you learn to surrender to His Spirit, He will enable you to fill that role of an irreplaceable parent.
We will continue to explore the lessons found in the book of Proverbs; we will unpack 5 commonly believed lies about sexuality and refute them with wisdom. Subscribe to our email newsletter to ensure that you don’t miss any of these lessons!
If you’d like to watch the sermon where we first shared these Proverb-lessons, you can find that here.