To Parent Is To Suffer (and other happy thoughts)
I was reflecting recently with a friend about the nature of parenting. More specifically, she commented on the challenge of parenting.
Bryan and I have been parenting for over a decade now. Truth be told, this last month I was wondering if I would be able to count up the literal “man-hours” that have gone into parenting our sons.
I’ve heard that it takes 10,000 hours of practicing something before you can be considered an expert in the field. I just calculated, and I’ve been actively parenting for well over 96,000 hours now.
Thing is, just when I start to figure out a scenario, a relationship, or a trouble-area, the kid morphs and I have to re-adapt. There is no way in a million years that I could ever become an expert at being a parent. Anyone who claims to be one is a fraud. No two children in the world are the same. And so, we must constantly adapt in our parenting. What works for one child may backfire with another.
We are all as unique as snowflakes. And as stubborn as mules.
And as vulnerable to pain as….well, I don’t know actually. Maybe there is nothing that we can compare our complicated vulnerabilities to. I think humanity wins in that field.
Anyways, back to what I started out saying. My friend and I were talking about the nature of parenting. She doesn’t have children of her own, but she commented on how difficult it looked. Perhaps in the past I would pretended that it wasn’t so bad. I think that I used to think that as a parent, I needed to sell the concept of parenting to other people. So, I’d maybe just talk about the pretty parts. The heart-warming parts. (I also never want to get stuck as the complainer in any crowd. That doesn’t look like any fun, you know?)
But, this friend has been around our family enough that she has already witnessed the reality of parenting challenges. I didn’t mean to sound so melancholy, but I responded,
“YOU’RE RIGHT. TO PARENT IS TO SUFFER. EITHER YOU CHOOSE TO SUFFER WITH VISION, OR YOU SUFFER WITHOUT VISION.”
(Gosh, I’m thinking of a pregnant friend right now. Don’t be afraid. It’s all worth it.)
Biologically and metaphorically, we pass life into another human when we parent. Into the next generation. And to pass that life includes a kind of death in each of us as moms and dads.
So, the question is, will we “die” keeping our vision renewed or with continual groaning?
As each of our children have grown older, there was a transition from caring primarily for physical needs to caring for intellectual and relational needs. Their minds needed to be nurtured and their character needed to be encouraged, coached, and corrected. Each child’s mind and soul have incredible potential, if he or she will only be invested into and cultivated.
This is where we have a choice. Either way, to be a parent is to pay a price. Children will inevitably need our time, our energy, and our finances. We can choose to suffer - to pay that price - with the vision that our willing investment will bring about great joy in the future. Our other option is that we can suffer, trudging through, counting down the days until they don’t need us as much, feeling resentful and increasingly bitter.
I’m sure you can surmise which type of suffering will lead to the kind of results that you’d dream of.
Like I said before, I am not an expert. I sigh and wonder and cry and sneak away for precious quiet moments as much as any one. However, I have found a few keys (that I have learned from the Holy Spirit and from others!) that have made a huge difference. In their growth. And in mine.
1. MATURITY GROWS IN THE SOIL OF RELATIONSHIP.
Everyone grows older. Not everyone grows up. So many children are coerced, bribed, threatened, and manipulated into proper behavior. They are applauded if they just do as they are told.
Now, let me clarify that I absolutely believe that children ARE to listen to their parents. That parents need not tiptoe around, apologizing for being in charge. I don’t give my children explanations for every decision I make in the moment. But, I also don’t mind if they disagree with me, or if they can find a way to question me with honor both in their heart and voice.
My goal is not for them to mindlessly obey me. I want them to grow in understanding of the “why”.
Truthfully though, many times, even after thorough conversation, they still don’t agree with me. At that point, I simply ask that they trust me. And expect them to yield to me.
And the reality is that we always try to please the one to whom we are most connected. Maturity comes from connection, not from behaviour modification methods. Not only that, values are transferred through relationship.
My job as a parent is to be the ultimate steward of our connection. If I feel increased resistance to my authority or a coldness of heart from them towards me, I know that we need to devote some special love and time to that child.
2. OUR CHILDREN ARE WORTHY OF OUR INVESTMENT.
Investing into children is a slow-and-steady, keep-on-trekking type journey. Every day, every conversation, every hug, every confrontation that turns into forgiveness and deeper relationship - they all add up.
How can we know the value of attentive parents? Well, look around you and into the lives of those who didn’t have that blessing while growing up. Faithful moms and dads are almost always taken for granted by their children until later in the future. In a way this is preferable, because we want children to be so confident of their parent’s presence and love that they don’t have to think about it. Then they can focus on the more important business of growing up.
Not only do we see evidence in society of how important our role as moms and dads is, but we can also see the way that Jesus interacted with children and use this as our example. If God says children are a priority, then we need to too.
Quickly, let me point out what Jesus did when children came near to him:
Jesus welcomed them. When my children walk into the room, do my eyes light up? Do I scowl and groan? Do I even notice? Do I purpose to put my phone down?
Jesus gave them kind affection. Today I was putting face paint on my seven-year old. And suddenly I realized that I hadn’t sat that close to him in a little while, giving him one-on-one attention. I leaned forward and kissed his forehead. “Are you done, Mom?”. “No. I just wanted to kiss you.” His eyes twinkled in gladness. Just that simple. I wish I remembered more often.
Jesus affirmed them and blessed them. I don’t know what things are like for you, but sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in the currents of childishness and foolishness around here. Don’t get me wrong - I feel like there are all going in the right direction, and I celebrate that! But, at the same time, there are countless items breaking, countless petty arguments between siblings, and an exhausting number of times each week that instructions are forgotten. There are so many reasons to correct and critique. But, do I also have eyes to see their growth and affirm them for it? Do I have a humble heart that can remember who they really are, separate from their contributions to the family or me personally?
3. NO ONE CAN STEAL FROM YOU WHAT YOU ARE GIVING AWAY.
You are not a powerless slave in the home, being stolen from. You are a powerful person who is choosing to sustain relationship with your child, choosing to give of yourself. (Don’t forget to take care of yourself too - we need to have something in order to give it away!) I know that I’m always happier when I go the extra mile of my own initiative rather than living as a victim.
4. WE CANNOT BE LAZY AND EXPECT GOOD RESULTS.
You are allowed to rest, but laziness in parenting will not bring you the results you are hoping for. Believe me, I don’t say that with any judgment. There have been times when I feel pushed to the limits of exhaustion, both physically and emotionally. There have been times of sickness, times of grief, and times of anxiety. I knew that I was trying my best, but even my best just didn’t seem to be “enough”.
But, here is my recommendation - don’t run from the real problem that is draining you of your strength.
Evaluate your diet, exercise and sleep patterns. Take care of your body so that you can take care of your children.
Evaluate your mental and soul health. Is your mind over-run with worry and fear, so much so that you aren’t able to stay present with you kids and really help them? Get to the root of those habits too.
Evaluate your understanding and self-confidence in parenting. If you are intimidated by parenting and don’t know how to handle situations, seek out advice! Your child is not the first one to exasperate a parent. And all children are different and will need parents to adapt methods to them.
Keep your eyes out for parents who look like they are making good choices and ask them deliberate questions. Have them over for dinner and “interview” them, or send someone a private message. The Bible says that the first indication of wisdom is having the humility to ASK for more wisdom.
And ultimately, invite God’s strength and wisdom into everyday scenarios. Laziness is not an option.
Wherever you are at in your parenting journey, I do pray that you will be able to take a deep breath, even now as you read this. You can do this. You are the perfect fit for your child. Your love is the safe place for them to grow and all their potential to unfold.
May our hearts forever stay soft to our children even in the midst of sacrificial living. To parent is to suffer, but it is so very worth it to watch children slowly unfold into who God always knew they could be.