Talking about Sex in Church

When trending topics now include “Epstein”, “child trafficking”, and “PornHub’s ethics”, it seems like the world around us may be waking up to a whole other kind of epidemic. 

For too long, the mantra has been a roaring, “No limits on my sexuality!” , but the ramifications have only led to a swirling mass of confusion, shame, loneliness, and heartache.

The culture right now is not very different from the Greek and Roman culture in which the early church was planted. In fact those citizens had taken things one step further and had completely normalized pedophilia. One historian notes that at wedding ceremonies of that period of time, the groom would outright declare that he had the right to be sexually involved with any man, woman, or child that he liked. The citizens of the empire were religiously committed to saying, “No limits on my sexuality!”

It was into THIS atmosphere that Jesus planted His church, and it grew and thrived.

God knows, the early converts of Christianity had storage containers full of sexual history, shame, trauma, and distorted mindsets that needed to be sorted through when they began to follow Christ.

Did you know that in the 27 books of the New Testament, only two short letters, Philemon and 2 Thessalonians, do not include instruction and guidance around matters of sexuality, gender identity, healthy family dynamics and marriage? Why?

Because you cannot be a follower of Christ and it not impact your sexual choices. The early church leaders were convinced of it. Are we?

And if we do, where are the mainstream conference sessions? Why do these topics barely get airtime, or are relegated to a dusty classroom on a Wednesday night? We can talk about finances, faith, and social justice all we want, but if we don’t bring some light to the hidden places of people’s sex lives, they will not have the strength to persevere on the long journey of following Jesus.

The men and women of our communities are feeling desperate. They are daily inundated with perverted sexual messaging. Where are the courageous leaders who will wade through the confusion and raise their voices for the sake of restoration and holiness?

If you are a leader who desires to courageously shift the culture within your church community in the direction of sexual health, here are three straightforward things you can do:

1. Face your own past.

Perhaps one of the greatest challenges for you as a leader is to face the pain or shame from your own story. Memories of the things that were done to you or the things that you did can reach out from the past and be a haunting voice, attempting to disqualify you or suffocate your hope. 

In order to overcome the shame of the past, every leader must be reminded once again that the Gospel of Jesus is not for the shiny-clean men and women. It is for us. We never outgrow our need for grace, and there is a Redeemer who longs to restore. He is a Great Physician who brings healing to the brokenhearted.

If we aren’t willing to walk in new levels of transparency around our own sexuality, we will never see breakthrough in our church communities. 

Be brave. Be vulnerable. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind the memories that you will need to face and the mindsets you will need to address.

(You can read more about the power of transparency and confession in this post, “A Confession to Make”)

2. Be relentless against shame.

Conviction is meant to be a warning light on the dashboard of our hearts, to warn of us danger or a violation of our design. This conviction can become distorted into shame. Just as Adam and Eve immediately hid from God and felt the need to cover themselves to avoid one another, shame pushes humanity to these same outcomes.

Shame is the dark whisper in our ear that says, “If anyone knew what you did, they would reject you. You are dirty. There is no hope for you.”

Some people respond to shame with every religious effort possible. They try to prove this lying voice wrong. They rack up their volunteer hours; they sign up for every team, and live trying to earn approval from others and from God.

Contrarily, many people recoil and give up, believing that God could never really forgive them or redeem their past.

Shame is the reality for countless men and women in our church communities. They desperately need a leader who will recognize and fight to build cultures free of shame.

This can be done in messages preached, in everyday conversations, and in purposeful training of leadership teams. The people around us need to know that we are a safe place to be real and that we believe in the restoring power of Jesus. 

(Read here about the way shame works: “The Way Shame Speaks”)

3. Stop ignoring the tricky topics. It’s time to learn

You may not know where to start, and don’t want to make things worse by saying something ill-informed, but as you educate yourself, your confidence will grow. The Bible is loaded with content around these issues, and when you have eyes to see it, you will gain wisdom that you can share. Ask the hard questions and trust that our kind God has revelation to offer.

Listen to the testimonies of those who have found freedom in Christ. Become a student of sexuality from God’s perspective, and in turn you can be a support to people around you.

One of the goals of every follower of Christ is to come to maturity in a life of sexual integrity, ready to give voice to the “why” behind their moral choices.

One of my all time favourite quotes is from Diognetus, a historian of ancient Rome. He was observing the lifestyle of the early Christians and commented, “They share their tables with all, but their beds with no one.”

Diognetus was amazed by the profound love and hospitality shown by the church that was matched by a sexual self-governance foreign to most. The combination was a radiant force. I long for the church of the 21st century to gain a reputation like this again. I believe it is possible.

For the sake of the young man who desperately wants to be free from his porn addiction in order to be a good father, we need to break the sound barrier.

For the sake of the young woman riddled with insecurities about her self-worth because of what happened to her when she was a little girl, we must have some hard conversations.

For the sake of the precious ones who Christ died for, we must talk about it.

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