How to Talk with Your Kids about Sex
This is not about one big talk. This is about countless small talks that culminate to prepare our children with understanding. You may have wished someone did this for you when you were young, but we can’t go back in time. All we can do is shape tomorrow.
Included here is the introductory chapter of a book we are currently developing all around this topic of having healthy conversations with your kids about sex.
I was standing with my mom at the edge of a busy street, waiting for the signal to change so that we could step onto the crosswalk. I must have been around 7 years old, because I can remember roughly how tall I was standing beside my mom’s left leg. Warm day. The crossing of Marshall and McCallum Road.
As the light changed my mom instinctively reached for my hand. For the first time ever, I pulled my hand out of hers. She looked down at me with surprise in her eyes, but she didn’t say anything. We stepped out together, my little legs hurrying to match her pace. We made it across safely.
That day, she wordlessly allowed me to transition to a new stage of childhood and I have never forgotten it.
We had walked across roads together for years. She and my dad had guided me consistently, always reminding me, “Look both ways”, “Don’t run out”, “Don’t stand too close to the edge”. The time eventually came, years later, when my older sister and I would venture out, walking down to the 7-11 for some Slurpees and sour candies. We had their voices to guide us even when they weren’t with us.
In our culture today, we stand at the edge of a busy street, holding the hands of our young children, wondering how they will ever navigate through matters of sexuality, identity, and relationships. There are so many things to think about and the last thing we want is for our kids to run out into traffic and be impacted by negative sexual encounters.
The Bible describes the way through the chaos of temptation and immorality, a crosswalk from the naivety of childhood into the maturity of adulthood. We get to hold our child’s hand for a season, and our voice will guide them later when they face the journey without us.
We must teach them to look both ways.
Look to the past
Every generation has the benefit of history to learn from, if they are wise enough to do so. We can look into Biblical history, as well as the trends and cultures throughout the centuries and of the last 50 years. Even your own past, however painful or marred it may look, can be used to instruct your children of the pathway to life.
There are details in the following paragraphs that are gruesome and hard to think about, but I believe that we as parents must learn to see the gravity of the situation matched with the confidence in the majesty of the Lord’s kingdom and His ways.
This information is for you to know and guard over, so that your children’s innocence is not distorted by premature exposure.
As parents, our goal is to take this intense information and break it into language that can be a foundation of God’s intention for our children.
Biblical
In the Old Testament, we see that the Israelites were always surrounded by nations that had a cultural norm of sexual promiscuity. When God brought His people out of Egypt in the book of Exodus, He didn’t dodge the topic, but rather gave clear instructions. “Don’t mess around with the customs and worship patterns of the neighboring people groups. Don’t make excuses to allow those root structures to infiltrate your families.”
The false god systems around them allowed and even called for fornication, adultery, orgies, gender fluidity and pedophilia. To deal with the inevitable pregnancies and births of children who would need to be cared for in a chaotic relating system like this, these false gods also welcomed and demanded child sacrifice or infant abandonment. At the bronze altars, babies were burned, with drums beating to drown out their cries. These sacrifices were believed to secure a season of fertility in herds, protection from enemy armies, and an abundance of crops.
The God of heaven, the deity of the Israelites seemed to be the strict parent on the block giving firm boundaries. He said, “Sexual relationship only with your covenant partner. One man, one woman. And your children are treasures, not to be abandoned or destroyed.”
Our God knows that sex is a powerful thing - as powerful as fire or a wild river.
By setting boundaries, He was establishing the fireplace or the river banks that could contain such a force and even release the blessing of that power of sexuality. Without those boundaries, the flames will scar and the waters will drown us.
The Lord also knows the impact and legacy within a family unit; to bless your children is to strengthen your family and invest into the entire nation.
In the New Testament, the early church was launched into a culture similar to what we experience now. The cities of Corinth, Ephesus and Rome were epicentres of polytheistic false god worship. Temples were dedicated to a myriad of gods and goddesses, and not surprisingly, humanity again elevated the sexual experience above all others. Once more, the resulting babies were often the ones to pay the real price, facing abandonment and death. It was a repeat of all the same elements, just with different geographical locations and different names attached to the idol.
As crazy as it may sound, the Bible also shows us that these false gods and idols were not just ideas made up by men, but were actually demonically-inspired concepts that took advantage of the weakness of mankind’s tendency to selfishness.
Just as God gave instruction to sustain foundations of civilization, the enemy’s goal is to deceive and lead people into a lifestyle that will cripple individuals and families, and ultimately, entire nations.
World History
As a 21-year old, I was preparing for an upcoming missions trip to Peru and decided to study their history and religion. I was astonished to find the presence of sexual immorality and sacrifice of children in antiquity of Machu Picchu. In this last decade since that Peruvian history lesson, I have found this repeated pattern over and over again as I’ve scratched the surface.
We may shake our heads in bewilderment at what past generations have done or possibly be callous to the thought that those were REAL children and REAL men and women engaged in those heart-wrenching practices, but do we have eyes to see what our own culture looks like? Can we honestly say that we are any different? Isn’t there the same invitation and pressure to participate in sexual activity outside the relational security and commitment of the covenant of marriage? Isn’t there the same selfishness and disregard for the younger generation, even to the point where the most vulnerable among us are in danger of death in the form of abortion?
Just as God provided a roadmap for His people as recorded in the Old and New Testaments, so He now also offers us the same wisdom, help and guidance as we raise our children. Yes, there is darkness in our era of history, but there is also a lavish amount of grace available to us. God is still looking all over the earth and sees those whose hearts are fixed on Him. He is as committed as ever to show Himself strong on our behalf and on behalf of our children.
Personal History
Looking into the ancient past may not be nearly as challenging as looking into the mirror and realizing that you yourself were once a victim to these same mindsets. Our personal sexual history can come with deep pain attached.
Memories flood our minds when we smell a certain scent of cologne or perfume. When we drive past certain streets or buildings, or hear the chorus of a song, suddenly we are transported back in time to the encounter or relationship that caused us confusion and pain.
Dreams may haunt you. Phrases or words said a decade ago may still pierce you. Images may rush at you when you try to fall asleep at night or when you try to be intimate with your spouse.
The first thing I’d like to tell you is that you are absolutely not alone. The second thing is that there is hope for you to be absolutely free from your past and for those memories to no longer have a death grip on you.
Jesus truly is the Great Physician who came to earth to bring good news to the afflicted, to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty for captives, to comfort all who mourn, and to give gladness instead of mourning, as is declared in Isaiah 61. Right now, feel free to take a moment and simply welcome the Lord to begin and continue that healing work in your life. Ask His Holy Spirit what is the first step that you need to take towards freedom.
The incredible thing is that this chapter of Isaiah 61 goes on to promise that these very ones who were once addicted, tormented, trapped, and broken-hearted would become the builders and repairers of the devastation within culture. No one is excluded. Through Jesus, your past does not have to disqualify your future.
Some early years in my dad’s life were ones that included heart-ache, sinful choices, and sexual shame in the years before he came to Christ. I remember a couple occasions when he would awkwardly stumble through parts of his story. I don’t even remember all he said, but I do remember feeling grateful that he was willing to be vulnerable before us.
He broke through the sound barrier in the hopes of protecting his daughters. I believe that his humility coupled with his investment of time and attention over the years as a dad became the shield that guarded me from having to learn those same lessons the hard way.
It is now an inheritance that I will pass down to my children.
I am confident that you are the brave parent who is willing to look at your own past and trudge out of that thick mud called Shame and say, “For the sake of the next generation, I will go through what I have to go through and become who I need to become.”
Your freedom will fill your home’s atmosphere.
Look to the Future
It is a foolish thing to only aim for pleasure or comfort in the present. The wise ones look to the future and consider carefully how to build.
Just as a wise home-builder will consider the end goal first and work from there, so we as humans must consider the life that we’d like to build. The Holy Spirit is the promised gift from heaven who will come be with us, counsel us when we don’t know what to do, and empower us to make hard choices.
We must not have conversations with our children about sex because we are afraid. We must have these conversations because we have a hopeful vision for the future.
This is an excerpt taken from the introductory chapter of the book we are developing, “Awkward: a book to help talks with your kids about sex.”
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