Secrets to Finding a Mentor
A mentor. A life coach. A role model.
We are all born looking up; when we were four, the ten year-olds were beyond-amazing with all their coordination and joke-telling social skills. As pre-teens, we couldn't wait until we could drive like the sixteen year-olds and stay up late.
If we are honest, even now as adults we are still looking around wondering, "Has someone else figured this out? Will I have to navigate this all for myself?" We find ourselves searching for a mentor, but unsure how to be vulnerable enough to ask for help or to be trusting enough to accept their insights.
Most people wrestle between two urges - the urge to be a mature, strong-minded individuals and the urge to be connected, protected and invested in.
Maybe we can be both.
Maybe we can grow to be individualized, yet still connected, like the cells in your body. True to self, yet committed to and reliant on others.
With that in mind, here are 6 Secrets to Finding a Mentor:
1. Follow the fruit.
Jesus said, "Wisdom is proven true by her children." He was being challenged by religious leaders at the time who were trying to tear Jesus apart, accusing Him of many things. Jesus' response was basically, "Watch me and see if the fruit of my life is good or if it is rotten."
Jesus was perfect, with 100% accuracy rate. The people in our lives will certainly not achieve that level of perfection, but if we will guard against a critical spirit we can learn a boatload from the people around us.
Not everyone will rock every area. Be gracious to people, and honor them for where they are succeeding.
The fruit in other people's lives is not there to ignite jealousy, but to inspire you. If it is possible for one person, it is possible for another. This is the context for the verse, "God is no respecter of persons." This does not mean that God doesn't have respect for people, it means that the principles that work for one will work for another.
If you see someone who thrives in finances, in relationships, in health, or in communication, find out their methods and reach out for their wisdom.
Don't go "mentor hopping" trying to get people to just tell you what you want to hear. That is a deceitful waste of people's time, but you can and should have multiple voices of counsel in your life.
Proverbs 15:22 says, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed."
2. Ask good questions.
Proverbs tells us that if we want wisdom, we need to ask ALOUD for it. Part of this is to eliminate the need for mind-reading in the community around us, and part of it is to work the nature of humility into us. Asking for help requires vulnerability, and humble vulnerability is the open gate for the grace of God to be released into our lives. (James 4:6)
Ask aloud in prayer, and ask aloud in conversations. Practically, you can begin asking the question, "What would be your greatest advice to someone my age?" or "What lesson have you learned in the last year?" Be purposeful and you may be surprised by how much is added to your life.
This generation may be facing unprecedented challenges, but we also have unprecedented access to Bible-based, trustworthy resources that are made available to us online, through podcasts, YouTube, bookstores and apps. Use these tools and you can be mentored by wise leaders from all over the world.
3. Stay still in community long enough to be known.
I just told you to utilize online resources, and I'm not recanting that. However, the other side of the coin is that we don't just need truth from distant voices. We also need someone looking us in the eyes, recognizing our reoccurring life patterns, seeing the giftings and passions in our hearts and speaking into our specific situations by the Spirit of God. You can't get that from YouTube.
You need relationships, and that takes time to develop. Lately my husband has been saying, "Trust is spelled T-I-M-E."
It takes time together to find out that people can be trusted with our secrets. Because we can't be alone with our secrets and still succeed. God actually commands us to confess our sins to one another - not just the bad things we have done, but any darkness that we find in our hearts. The lies in our head, the things that have scarred us or but fear and shame in our hearts.
In that confession, God promises that we will find healing and be internally cleansed. (James 5:16, 1 John 1:9-10)
It is certainly possible to open our hearts with strangers, but extremely scary. Commitment to one another paves the way for vulnerable community, and vulnerable community brings us stability and healing.
Don't wait for others to set it up for you. Be brave and go first.
4. Know that mentors are not just for the messed up or for the elite.
A few months ago, a young woman stood in my entryway getting ready to leave. She lowered her head a little and quietly, with some shame in her voice asked, "Do you think I need counselling?"
Without hesitation I answered, "YES! Of course. All of us do!" Her eyes opened wide in surprise as I explained to her that my husband and I seek out counsel too. Like, all of the time.
We send out quick questions and requests for prayer via text. We linger around at the end of church to catch a few minutes of conversation with people. We arrange coffee dates and "cry in your living room" times with mentors. We've been doing it for years and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives.
Call it what you want: life coaching, mentoring, counselng. Every human needs wisdom if they are going to succeed.
You aren't so broken that you can't be helped.
You aren't doing so "fine" that you can't improve.
5. Know that the elite are not the only good mentors.
If you are new to a church or to a community, the first people you notice or admire may be the ones who already are in the public eye and have a big following: the pastor, the preacher, the boss, or the manager. That would be for good reason and your honor is not misplaced. However, the forthcoming pressure on those leaders may be.
Most likely what you want in a mentor is not a sliver of the time of someone who is already stretching themselves thin. What would be even more beneficial for your life is consistent connections with a couple people who are available, caring, and truthful. Don't wait for an invitation from a certain person. Just connect and begin learning right where you are.
6. Be committed to the concept.
Do you believe in mentoring just because you have needs? Or have you begun to see that mentoring and discipling are a part of the culture of the kingdom of God? If that is the case, even when people inevitably disappoint you, you won't throw in the towel.
God thinks generationally and instructs us as His people to live interdependent on the people around us. If you are committed to the concept of mentoring, you will start to invest in the lives of people around you.
Sure, you don't have all of the answers, but even a ten-year-old can contribute something to a four-year-old. Start small and stick to it: sign up to be a youth leader, initiate conversation with someone new to the group, or invite a young couple over for coffee with you and your spouse. There are some things you learn best from teaching it to others.
We really do need people in our lives that we can submit ourselves to; people whom we even trust more than we trust ourselves. There will be seasons in each of our lives when the storm of emotion, circumstances and spiritual warfare will swirl around us. We need people around us that can see further than we can and will remind us of the faithfulness of God.
Start today. Ask the Lord to lead you to some people whom you can learn from, and some others who can learn from you.